this fell out

                Maybe I just need something to feel like shit about. Maybe, that’s part of my DNA. Maybe, that’s part of everyone’s DNA, some are just better at disguising those self-destructive tendencies. I want to fix myself. I hear songs on the radio every day about people wanting to fix other people, I just want to fix myself. Or maybe that’s what this is all leading up to is eventually meeting someone who fulfills my needs or makes me feel like I don’t have any faults that need to be worked on. I hate this. I hate being 21 and not knowing what I’m doing when this is the prime age for people to ask you what the fuck you are doing with your life. Fuck that. I’m doing this. I’m staying alive. My age group has the highest mortality rate of any other age group. Except the extreme elderly I guess…that’s just an assumption though. I don’t think the answer to problems lies within ourselves. I think it’s something that will blind-side us at some surprising moment with it’s obviousness. Or maybe that’s just what I’m hoping for. I think I am the type of person that ultimately becomes extremely unsuccessful. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

                I believe that no matter how close you become to someone, you will always, ultimately, be alone. No one can experience things the way you can. Maybe to be unique and individual is synonymous with the feeling of being misunderstood and alone. It’s easy to assume that everyone else has their shit together and is on a track much better than your own. Maybe because it’s harder to accept that no one knows what they’re doing. What a scary fucking concept.

                I used to compare my brother and I to see how I was doing in life, but the older we get the more obvious it becomes that no matter what you have done, life evens out. It’s your outlook that makes it seem better or worse. Seems obvious now.

                I think I’m going to stop using my phone unless I have an actual need. I’m tired.

(no subject)
i get somewhat irrational and mean when i drink....maybe im just looking for a reaction. definitely not usually like that

body language

Sometimes I get that feeling like when you hold your breath for a really long time and then finally, at the end of the tunnel or whatever else you would hold your breath for, you breathe in and in that moment wonder why the fuck you would want to put yourself through the discomfort of not breathing for that long in the first place.. Those first few lung-fulls of fresh air are better than any food you could possibly eat. It’s like starting something new. I just had that feeling of gasping in new air, but without first holding my breath. When that happens I like to think my brain is on auto-pilot, gathering up the overly used thought patterns and exhaling them with all my spent breath. It’s like the opposite of that weird breath-catching thing that happens before you cry. Or when I cry anyway. I’m trying to listen to my body more, I’m not very good at that.

Wetzels mindfuck

I decided to quit. I just have to decide when the most convenient time would be for me to do that. I work the next eight days in a row which will be good for my bank account unless they keep letting me off early like the last few days. I've been running "experiements" on the manager, it's been pretty entertaining. So far, i've discovered that if i come in and look sad, don't try to start conversations, or just generally don't seem to be enjoying myself, the manager offers me things. Today, she bought me coffee and told me she had a birthday present for get the present i have to wait till sunday...the question is.."is it worth it?"

probably not

same old
i need new things to do here. im in a boring rut..not especially appreciating any aspect of being in eugene yet.

Eugene is full of random bike trails that I have just now discovered. It was fuckin awesome. I love having things like that right next to where I live. Maybe next time im in albany ill look for some secret trails. Im just afraid of findig crackheads or obviously not very very brave. Tomorrow, i start job hunting again...that is also exciting. Hopefully, i can find some type of job without such crazy people in charge..

Someday soon I am going to learn to Scuba dive

i want to see this in person.

writing 1157

This a free-write excercise I found from around last august. I love finding old writing and having proof that I actually have grown as a person. It's also wierd to think I ever thought some of these things.

                What drives you? I feel like the more I do, the more experiences I have, the more confused I become. When I was 10 I could name the force behind my actions. The need to do well usually came from my parents or teachers or maybe from a sense of competition with my brother. But now? I think at some point between high school and my second stab at college, I forgot who the fuck I am. The disorientation is terrifying when I remember it’s there. Most of the time I wander through the days, more dreaming than anything. What is wrong with me? How did this happen? Did the loss of self happen gradually over time or did I just wake up one day not realizing anything was gone? I believe that when talking about your values, there should be no question marks. Maybe grey areas or dotted lines but not outright questions. My history is generously salted with actions that came as a surprise to my family and to me as well.

                What next? I wish I cared sometimes. Right now my goal is to make it through this semester and do well. I’m low on money so job hunting will be a priority in the next couple weeks. Even when I have money I give it away though. God forbid me ever winning the lottery. I’m not sure what I want anymore beyond happiness. I’ve lost interest in things that used to bring me joy. I’ve given up on ideas that made me happy to think of. For what?

Writer's Block: TMI
If you had the opportunity to know everything about the person you love, would you take it? Or would you avoid the possibility of getting hurt?

I would definitely not want to know everything. There's always a unique context to every situation, and facts don't always illustrate that very well. Also, what do you do after point.

I think this last year has taught me my boundaries.

Once again I am packing up and trying to tie up the loose ends. This is getting easy. I love this place though.


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