Maybe I just need something to feel like shit about. Maybe, that’s part of my DNA. Maybe, that’s part of everyone’s DNA, some are just better at disguising those self-destructive tendencies. I want to fix myself. I hear songs on the radio every day about people wanting to fix other people, I just want to fix myself. Or maybe that’s what this is all leading up to is eventually meeting someone who fulfills my needs or makes me feel like I don’t have any faults that need to be worked on. I hate this. I hate being 21 and not knowing what I’m doing when this is the prime age for people to ask you what the fuck you are doing with your life. Fuck that. I’m doing this. I’m staying alive. My age group has the highest mortality rate of any other age group. Except the extreme elderly I guess…that’s just an assumption though. I don’t think the answer to problems lies within ourselves. I think it’s something that will blind-side us at some surprising moment with it’s obviousness. Or maybe that’s just what I’m hoping for. I think I am the type of person that ultimately becomes extremely unsuccessful. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I believe that no matter how close you become to someone, you will always, ultimately, be alone. No one can experience things the way you can. Maybe to be unique and individual is synonymous with the feeling of being misunderstood and alone. It’s easy to assume that everyone else has their shit together and is on a track much better than your own. Maybe because it’s harder to accept that no one knows what they’re doing. What a scary fucking concept.
I used to compare my brother and I to see how I was doing in life, but the older we get the more obvious it becomes that no matter what you have done, life evens out. It’s your outlook that makes it seem better or worse. Seems obvious now.
I think I’m going to stop using my phone unless I have an actual need. I’m tired.